Finding Peace
by Jonathan 81
Summary: (Complete) Xander finally finds what he needs. Warning: Character Death. Dark Fic. Enjoy. RR.


Title:Finding Peace  
  
Rating:R  
  
Author: White Werewolf  
  
Spoilers/Timeframe:Post "Chosen" in the Buffy: the Vampire Slayer. Post "Damage" in Angel: the Series.  
  
Summery:Xander finally finds his piece.  
  
Disclaimer: Buffy: the Vampire Slayer is owned by Whedon, Fox, UPN, and ME.  
  
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Africa?  
  
Why Africa?  
  
Why the hell, Africa?  
  
Willow and Kennedy get to go to South America. Giles and Andrew stay in England. Faith and Wood are in Cleveland. Buffy and Dawn are in Rome.  
  
But why am I all alone? Why after seven years of fighting beside their side am I all alone?  
  
Every girlfriend I ever had is dead. Every real girlfriend that is.  
  
My ex-fiancé. The woman who knew about my past. The first woman who I was ready to tell about my home life. The woman who was ready to share her life with me. Anya. I loved Anya, and now she's dead.   
  
Cordelia, my first serious girlfriend, the first person who showed me that I wasn't a lost cause. A person who despite her social status gave her life for the man that she loved...Angel.   
  
Angel and Cordelia? Who would've thought? The one man I hate with all my heart ends up with one of the women I love the most. Kinda ironic, isn't it?  
  
Actually, is it ironic? I don't really know. I really don't know anything.  
  
Buffy made fun of me almost a year ago. She didn't say it directly, but she said I wasn't smart. She didn't think I could get it. She didn't think. She doesn't think about me...she uses me.  
  
Whether it was as a shoulder to cry on or someone to fix the house.   
  
Andrew was right. She does make me stab things.  
  
She makes me stab her. Makes me have sex with her. Makes me lower myself, and she takes advantage of me.  
  
And why? Because I am Alexander LaVelle Harris. The one person who can't get any emotional support. The one person who can't see anyone not happy. The one person who became a laughing stock among the group.   
  
I need someone in my life. I needed somebody to understand me. Somebody who could see behind this façade of the laughing man...of the joking man...of the white knight.  
  
I saved the world so many times, and never told anyone. Spike saves the world, gets himself a Buffybot, and gets rewarded with a kiss.  
  
I wanted to get noticed. I wanted somebody to see me as the man I really am. So I did something that wasn't in my character. I told Buffy and Dawn I saved her life. I saved Willow's life with the yellow crand speech.   
  
But nothing.  
  
I hate this.  
  
I hate that nobody knows who I am.  
  
I hate my god for nothing fucked up life.  
  
Deadboy never knew hell. Angel never knew what hell was like.  
  
My life is hell. My god forsaken life is hell.  
  
I can't take this anymore. I can't do this. I can't be alone anymore. I can't just sit here in this hut and await my death sentence.  
  
Didn't they know? Didn't they know what it would be life for a white man to be in a continent where diseases ran rampant? Didn't they know that they sent me to a country where the natives killed anyone foreign to keep their population pure?  
  
Like the hell they did.  
  
To them, I am the laughing stock. Well you know what? Right now, I am laughing at them.   
  
My hand reaches a few feet away from me. I grab the weapon that I bought a few months ago. I've been debating this for a few months now, and this is where it all ends.  
  
I point the pistil at my right temple. I close my eye, tighten my grip on the trigger, and...  
  
BAM!  
  
  
  
My world becomes black. And all that can be heard in head is the haunting sound of my voice laughing.  
  
You think the Joker was insane? Well, the creator of Batman never knew me.  
  
Just call me...well just call me.  
  
Y'know what? Don't call me anything. I'm not worth it.  
  
I'm a psycho who finally found his piece.  
  
The End 


End file.
